To be quite honest, I am in a spiritual slump. I have been for about two weeks. Before this I was soaring, and my relationship with God was probably at the strongest point it has ever been. I will talk about the awesome things happening in my life in posts to come, but for now, I'm reflecting on the past. I don't like who I was, and right now when I look in the mirror I don't like who I am. I feel weak and helpless. My sins seem to conquer me everytime. I win for two days and then fail again. The energy involved in picking myself up and preparing for the next battle is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.
I don't feel in control of myself right now. It feels like the Holy Spirit has left the building for me, and since He was driving, I don't know where I'm going. Before it was excitement and fantasizing about what is to come. Right now it is like I am living each day just to sleep it away. I watch as each day slips by. Slowly but surely. I feel like so many opportunities are being wasted, and yet I have no idea what these opportunities looked like or where they were.
I am so sick of being so selfish. I know what God wants from me and how I live my life, and yet I just flat out ignore Him. It pains me terribly to write those words, but its the truth. Why do we live according to our flesh instead of the spirit? Why do I love to rebel against my Father and Creator? I want to live the life that I want instead of just wanting it.
A friend brought up the following scripture while we were talking about this annoying human habit of opposition to our Lord in our weekly bible study. I just had a small epiphany.. Wow.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10:12-13:
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
So what is the disconnect? Why can we never seem to be able to tackle those pesky recurring sins? Why do we say, "I want to stop this! God, please help me. I pray to conquer this sin that is bothering me so much," but then ignore the way out? We end up on our knees the very next night pleading with God to have mercy on us and give us the strength to overcome. Maybe we should be praying for open eyes instead of strength. If God does not let temptation fall on you that is beyond your strength, do we need strength from Him? He isn't going to do the work for us. If He did then we wouldn't be real followers. We have to consciously choose the way out that God has already provided. We have to consciously choose God. The next time you face that dark hallway of your sin, pray for God to open your eyes to the daylight pouring through the door behind you.
In need of Christ,
the perfect lamb,
my refuge strong,
the great I am.
This is my song,
my humble plea.
I am your child,
I am in need.
I read a friend's blog tonight. I felt the Holy Spirit leap inside my chest. It inspired me to start a blog of my own. I know He is with me all the time, even when I can't feel Him.
GOD IS GOOD.
Thanks be to God for my friends. He has blessed me beyond measuring with the people I have come into contact with. I was so unsure of what the future had in store for me here in college at the University of Alabama. But God provided me with a family. A family that is on fire for God. Its insane. It gives me joy!
I'm starting to feel the skies open up above me, I can see the daylight. Just in the hour that it took me to jot down these thoughts my spirits have lifted so much! My dreary time of feeling distant from God will soon be over, I can feel it in my heart and soul. I can't wait to see what God has in store for all of us!